To my Mum, for Mother’s Day…

As I sit here, at your spot in the cemetery the day before Mother’s Day, the only tangible place I can visit you, I wonder…

I was 16 when you died, and you were 46. I am that age now. I wonder what it was like for you to be that age and be my Mum. I wonder if you felt the same emotions that I feel. I wonder if you felt the same fears, hopes and dreams for my sister and I that I feel for our own children. 

I wonder if you think I’m a good mum. I wonder if we are similar in any or many ways.

I wonder what our conversations would be about if you were still here. I wonder if we would spend mother daughter time together meeting for coffee, lunches and shopping trips.

I wonder how easy it may or may not be to sit without judgement of decisions I have made. I wonder if you can see what is coming but have to keep the secret for yourself.

I wonder if you and Nanna take care of each other up there. How could we have known you would both be gone so close together? I guess you are meant to be together in death as you were in life.

I know you see me. I know you hear me. I know you walk beside me and I know you guide me.

I can hear you whisper in my ear, “be strong, keep going, it is always alright”. I wonder who whispered in your ear while you battled for those five long years. I wonder why you’re not here.

I received your message. This is all meant to be. I have had to face my own battle and survived. I am meant to be here, to do whatever it is you want me to do. Whatever it is that I am destined to do, to bring to the world, I do it now.

As I sit here in your beautiful rose garden feeling closer to you than ever before, I write. The fountain is trickling gently. The birds are calling to each other and the sun is shining. The ants are still here too! It is peaceful. Busy, but peaceful. I do, however, have your section all to myself.

I brought coffee, my notebook and your favourite red roses. I am ready for you to say whatever you need to say. I am your voice. 

While I write, I remember it took me nine years to visit this place for the first time. Little sis brought me and lovingly held my hand. I don’t know why it took so long, but I just couldn’t bear the painful reminder.

As I sit here and shed a few tears, I try to remember the good times. I want to remember. Many of these memories have faded. I struggle to think of times we shared before you got sick. 

What I do remember is that you had beautiful grace and poise. You were gentle and kind. You would have given us the world if you could. 

Right now,  I hear you say ” be sunshine on a rainy day”. I will. I will shine bright when others can’t. And I know you will help me.

My coffee is now empty, the sun has gone behind the clouds and it is time to go home. I came here today to show you my love. Your roses will stay here for all to see. They will stay until we replace them. 

Every day I think of you. Every day I hear you. Every day I see you… And every day, I love you.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mum… All my love, your Daughter xxxx

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Debs says:

    Hi Ali,I hadn’t been able to read or think of anything leading up to Mother’s Day as I’m dealing with my own struggles, but reading your bog today about your mom, makes me feel I’m am not totally alone with how Im feeling, so I thankyou ,
    for your raw openness for all to read xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Deb, a very difficult one for you this year I know. You are not alone. I hope it was a nice day for you xxx

      Like

  2. Liz says:

    Beautiful words Ali Xox Sometimes we never know how things could or would have have been. All which makes it harder because we rely on our imagination. Hugs xoxox

    Like

    1. Thank you Liz. And happy Mother’s Day from me xxx

      Like

  3. Lisa says:

    Beautifully said xxxxyour mum would be so very proud of the amazing adult you have become a inspirational loving and caring mother ,wife and treasired friend she will be watching you full of pride with a huge smile thinking wow thats my daughter she is truely remarkable xxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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