To my Mum, for Mother’s Day…

As I sit here, at your spot in the cemetery the day before Mother’s Day, the only tangible place I can visit you, I wonder…

I was 16 when you died, and you were 46. I am that age now. I wonder what it was like for you to be that age and be my Mum. I wonder if you felt the same emotions that I feel. I wonder if you felt the same fears, hopes and dreams for my sister and I that I feel for our own children. 

I wonder if you think I’m a good mum. I wonder if we are similar in any or many ways.

I wonder what our conversations would be about if you were still here. I wonder if we would spend mother daughter time together meeting for coffee, lunches and shopping trips.

I wonder how easy it may or may not be to sit without judgement of decisions I have made. I wonder if you can see what is coming but have to keep the secret for yourself.

I wonder if you and Nanna take care of each other up there. How could we have known you would both be gone so close together? I guess you are meant to be together in death as you were in life.

I know you see me. I know you hear me. I know you walk beside me and I know you guide me.

I can hear you whisper in my ear, “be strong, keep going, it is always alright”. I wonder who whispered in your ear while you battled for those five long years. I wonder why you’re not here.

I received your message. This is all meant to be. I have had to face my own battle and survived. I am meant to be here, to do whatever it is you want me to do. Whatever it is that I am destined to do, to bring to the world, I do it now.

As I sit here in your beautiful rose garden feeling closer to you than ever before, I write. The fountain is trickling gently. The birds are calling to each other and the sun is shining. The ants are still here too! It is peaceful. Busy, but peaceful. I do, however, have your section all to myself.

I brought coffee, my notebook and your favourite red roses. I am ready for you to say whatever you need to say. I am your voice. 

While I write, I remember it took me nine years to visit this place for the first time. Little sis brought me and lovingly held my hand. I don’t know why it took so long, but I just couldn’t bear the painful reminder.

As I sit here and shed a few tears, I try to remember the good times. I want to remember. Many of these memories have faded. I struggle to think of times we shared before you got sick. 

What I do remember is that you had beautiful grace and poise. You were gentle and kind. You would have given us the world if you could. 

Right now,  I hear you say ” be sunshine on a rainy day”. I will. I will shine bright when others can’t. And I know you will help me.

My coffee is now empty, the sun has gone behind the clouds and it is time to go home. I came here today to show you my love. Your roses will stay here for all to see. They will stay until we replace them. 

Every day I think of you. Every day I hear you. Every day I see you… And every day, I love you.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mum… All my love, your Daughter xxxx